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Exciting news!!  I have signed up for training in “speaking in tongues,” also known as glossolalia.  I know, I know, it’s supposed to be a “spontaneous” happening, spurred by excessive love of Jesus and the need to seem emotionally charged.

For you foolish people who go by dictionary definitions, “glossolalia” is defined as the phenomenon of (apparently) speaking in an unknown language, especially in religious worship. It is practiced especially by Pentecostal and charismatic Christians.

Women really love that speaking in tongues stuff.  I can’t imagine why.

OMG AND TGIF — Sins against God!

We puny humans throw around God’s name, and take God’s name in vain, every day.

The question is, though, are you taking the name of the One True God^TM in vain? Or are you taking some heathen nondescript God’s name in vain? We should NEVER take God’s name in vain, but if you must employ the dreadful practice, you can reduce God’s displeasure by avoiding all mention of heathen Gods in your swear-words.

Example: Never say: “Goddamn it, I went for the wrong hole again!” You should say, instead: “One True God^TMdamn it, no wonder she wants a divorce!” That might keep you out of the hottest part of Hell, but definitely won’t keep you out of divorce court.

We damn ourselves to Hell every day, but lots of these damnations could easily be prevented, with a bit of planning. When you’re in Internet chat, for instance, are you prone to type OMFG? You are? Well, prepare for a crispy eternity, you sinner you. You could just as easily have typed the safer alternative, “OMFOTG^TM,”which stands for “Oh My Fucking One True God^TM.”

Rule #1 — Never take God’s name in vain; and
Rule #2 — If you take God’s name in vain, don’t mention some lesser God or god, which pisses off the One True God^TM, and makes Him feel insecure.